Child Custody Resources

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEGAL CUSTODY AND PHYSICAL CUSTODY?

There are two types of custody: legal custody and physical custody. In almost all cases both of the custody types are shared between the parents.

Legal custody of your children means that you are responsible for making decisions about the important things in their lives, like where they go to school, what religious instruction they receive, whether they need academic tutoring or psychological counseling, and when they go to the doctor.

Typically, parents are awarded joint legal custody, which means that the parents must share in decision making regarding the children and that the parents have equal rights to the child’s medical and educational records.

The significance of frequently awarding joint legal custody is that the parent who has visitation rights or secondary physical custody of the children cannot be cut out of the decision-making process regarding any major issues involving the children.

Physical custody refers to where the children live on a regular basis. It can be shared by both parents or granted to just one. How custody is ordered at the time of your divorce can affect you later. For example, in some states, a parent with sole physical custody has a presumed right to move away with the kids. To prevent a move, the noncustodial parent must go to court and show that the move would be harmful to the kids. So if the other parent’s attorney tries to tell you that it doesn’t matter whether you let the other parent have sole physical custody even though you spend significant time with the kids, don’t buy it. Check with a lawyer about whether the decision could come back to haunt you later.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY EX REFUSES MY COURT ORDERED VISITATION?

Keep a journal of all of your interactions with your child(ren), all expenses, receipts, as well as every time your ex has interfered with your court ordered visitation. Keeping a well documented record of these events is admissible evidence in court, and will help out in the long run.

Check the statute in your state. Some states make “Visitation Interference” a crime punishable by fine and/or jail time.

I would recommend sending a demand letter to your ex by certified or registered mail, saying that you will wait 15 days for them to contact you to update your current parenting plan, and that if they don't allow you contact with your child(ren) pursuant to the court order immediately, you will file an OSC (Order to show cause) to modify custody/visitation and/or Re Contempt.

WHAT IS PARENTAL ALIENATION AND PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME?

Parental alienation is a form of emotional child abuse where a custodial parent belittles or vilifies the other parent to the child and tries to prevent the other parent from having a meaningful and loving relationship with the child.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the deliberate attempt by one parent (and/or guardian/significant other) to distance his/her children from the other parent and in doing so, the parent engages the children in the process of destroying the affectional ties and familial bonds that once existed

An alienating parent may use a number of techniques, including but not limited to:

• Emphasizing the other parent’s flaws, such as an occasional burst of temper or not being prepared for the child’s activities. 
• Normal parental lapses are blown out of proportion and the child is repeatedly reminded of them.
• A parent or stepparent suggesting changing the child’s name or having the stepparent adopt the child.
• Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities.
• One parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend or boyfriend.
• Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child’s needs, or scheduling the child in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit.

Prognosis for severely alienating parents

By, A. Jayne Major, Ph.D.

I believe that PAS parents have become stuck in the first stage of child development, where survival skills are learned. To them,having total control over their child is a life and death matter. Because they don't understand how to please other people, any effort to do so always has strings attached. They don't give; they only know how to take. They don't play by the rules and are not likely to obey a court order.

Descriptions that are commonly used to describe severe cases of PAS are that the alienating parent is unable to "individuate" (a psychological term used when the person is unable to see the child as a separate human being from him or herself). The parent is narcissistic (self-centered) and enmeshed with the child (overly involved). Furthermore, these parents presume that they have a special entitlement to whatever they want. They think that there are rules in life, but only for other people, not for them.

A person with these characteristics, they may be called a sociopath, a person who has no moral conscience. This means that they are unable to have empathy or compassion for others. Sociopaths are unable to see a situation from another person's point of view, especially their child's point-of-view. They don't distinguish the way others do between telling the truth and lying.

In spite of admonitions from judges and mental health professionals to stop alienating, they can't. The prognosis for severely alienating parents is poor. It is unlikely that they will ever "get it." It is also unlikely that they will ever stop trying to perpetuate the alienation. It is a gut-wrenching survival issue to them.

WHAT ARE SOME GOOD ARGUMENTS IN FAVOR OF JOINT PHYSICAL CUSTODY?

What follows are some of the "classic" arguments designed to prevent joint custody from being considered by the judge. Each one of these "classic" arguments has a counter argument that can be used to nullify it.

Study this carefully so you will be prepared to refute them when needed!

1.) The "Children Need Stability" Argument

Yes, children need stability, but even more important is the need for consistency and predictability, or an awareness of what is to come. Children cope quite well with change when they know what to expect; not knowing what's coming next is the cause of most of the stress that children experience. Children don't get confused when both parents take care of them in intact families, confusion for children occurs when one parent suddenly leaves or is forced out of the child's home and life. Giving both parents parenting time with the child contributes to continuity in the child's life, not confusion.

2.) The "Parents Won't Cooperate" Argument

Refute this argument by noting that divorce rarely occurs because of non-cooperation related to parenting issues; more often it is due to infidelity, drug and/or alcohol abuse, emotional or mental health issues, financial pressures, and a host of other reasons- but rarely over issues related to non-cooperation in parenting skills or styles. Even though the parents are unable to stay married to each other they may still be able to collaborate on tasks needed to raise their children.

By ordering both parents to work together the court makes it clear that both parents are important. Another factor is that over time, the animosity level between divorced parents often drops. Emotional wounds heal, and the task of raising children can serve as a focal point of cooperation. Conversely, stripping a parent of the ability to help to raise their own children creates tremendous feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hostility in the "discarded" parent- making the chance of real cooperation much less likely.

3.) The "Child Gets Upset When Away From His Mother" Argument

It's not unusual for children to be a little anxious when separated from the parent they spend the most time with (this is especially true of young children), but this is not a valid reason to deny or limit the other parent's time with the child. In fact, this is a good reason to increase it- no child should be so dependent on a parent that it affects them in a negative way. Once the child learns that they can be away from the 'favored' parent without anything 'bad' happening, they will become more self-assured and experience less separation anxiety.

4.) The "Child Gets Upset When They See The Other Parent" Argument

Sometimes this argument also takes the form of "the child is scared of the other parent" or "the child doesn't like the other parent". The first version may simply mean the child is unfamiliar with the other parent, or it may mean that the child has been conditioned to be scared of the other parent (through the use of negative statements by the 'favored' parent). The second and third versions of this argument may indicate something more serious, such as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Most children naturally want to love and bond with both parents unless there has been some sort of actual abuse going on. It is important to find out if the child is actually making these kinds of statements or if these are claims made by one parent in an attempt to prevent or reduce contact with the other parent. If the child is in fact making these statements, the possibility of PAS should be investigated.

If the child truly appears to be upset or fearful of contact with the other parent, the most probable cause is simply unfamiliarity with that parent. Children thrive on familiarity and spending time with a 'stranger' may indeed make them nervous or upset. The common-sense cure is to gradually increase the time the child spends with the 'unfamiliar' parent, preferably in an environment that the child is accustomed to and feels comfortable in. Reducing contact with the 'unfamiliar' parent will only increase the child's unease with that parent.

5.) The "Child Can't Adjust To Different Parenting Styles" Argument

Unless the parents have extremely and radically different parenting styles, this argument can be dismissed by pointing out that this issue is almost never a point of contention in intact families. It would be unusual, to say the least, if both parents had identical attitudes and parenting styles; such is rarely the case in 'whole' families where the parents are together. This line of reasoning is probably one of the most baseless and unfounded 'arguments' against joint custody.

This argument can also be refuted by documenting and comparing the parenting styles of both the mother and the father, and then demonstrating that they aren't really all that different. Concentrate on comparing items like disciplinary styles, hygiene practices, educational desires, and religious orientation. When compared side by side, it's likely that you'll find more areas of agreement than disagreement, and the areas and scope of disagreement will probably be relatively inconsequential.

6.) The "Father Wants Joint Custody Just To Lower His Child Support" Argument

As in the preceding argument, this argument seeks to discount the idea that fathers might actually love their children and want to be a part of their lives. This same argument is often used when the father seeks sole custody; however, rarely is it said that "the mother wants sole custody just so she can get more child support". This argument is a little harder to counter because most States will lower a child support obligation commensurate with time spent in the care of the other (non-custodial) parent. As in the preceding instance, showing that the father has played an active role in the children's lives (or has tried to) can be an effective answer. Also, since the reduction in support is generally not a huge amount, it may be worth it to run the calculations so you can show the relatively small size of the decrease.

7.) The "Tender Years" Or "Father's Can't Nurture" Argument

Thankfully, this argument has all but fallen by the wayside. To use this argument these days would likely indicate desperation on the mother's part, not having anything more substantial to use as a 'reason' for opposing joint custody. Most judges will no longer 'buy' this argument, and it may in fact work against a mother who tries to use it. This argument is rooted in gender bias, and is unlikely to influence many judges these days. It is unlikely that you will hear this argument put forth in a modern courtroom; any attorney proposing it would most likely be accused of gender bias.

CO-PARENTING

Cooperative parenting is a process whereby parents living apart agree to act jointly in the best interests of their children, by establishing two homes for them and by consulting with one another concerning the needs of the children and their own needs as co-parents.

The following is a co-parenting agreement that you may wish to agree to:

CO-Parenting Agreement

We agree to act as co-parents to our children as follows:

Activities:
Both parents may attend any activities in which the children participate.

Either parent may enter the children into activities which occur exclusively during that parent's custodial period and which do not involve the other parent's time or money.

Neither parent may enter the children into any activity, which involves the other parent's time or money without obtaining the other parent's approval.

Information Sharing:
Information concerning minor medical or emergency medical procedures will be shared as soon as possible with the other parent.

Each parent will communicate with the other parent information about the children's extra-curricular activities. This will include a schedule and the name and phone number of the activity leader if available.

Information concerning the children's school data will be transferred between the parents. This will include report cards, progress reports, homework, information concerning school pictures,

school programs in which the children participate, and parent related activities (parent-teacher conferences, back to school night, etc.).

Decision Making:
Major decisions will be made jointly. This includes major medical, major dental, and psychological treatment, grade and special program placement, and change of schools.

Problem Solving:
The parties agree to meet in a calm, quiet, uninterrupted environment to discuss any child custody or childcare problem. The parties will meet jointly with physicians, educators, psychologists, law enforcement authorities, or other professionals as needed to work toward any custody or child behavior problem.

This provision does not preclude either parent from meeting separately with such professionals, but each will inform the other of such meetings in advance whenever possible, and always as soon as

possible.

Each parent will give full written authorization to the other to obtain any information concerning any counseling, treatment, or other records.

If the parties cannot resolve a dispute under this agreement by separate discussion and negotiation, then as a condition precedent to seeking a court order of any kind, the parties will mediate their

dispute with a mediator, or another having expertise in family and child custody issues agreed upon by the parties. The parties will bear this expense equally.

STATEMENT OF RESPECT

• Neither party will denigrate or demean the character or behavior of the other in the presence of the children, but will generally rather refer to the other parent with respect.
• We will share in both the joys and the burdens of raising our children as we share in the decision making processes related to their health, education, religious training, recreational activities, and general well being.
• We will leave our children free to love and respect both of us. We will not discuss the shortcomings of the other parent in front of the children, nor permit others to do so.
• We will work toward maintaining a friendly relationship and will try to be considerate of each other's feelings and concerns.
• We will not use our tiffle with our children as an excuse to continue arguments between us.
• When either of us is with our children, we will be discreet if we are including others with whom we may be involved.
• We will make the period of time with our children a normal experience. Every time we are together does not have to be "Disneyland" for them.
• In planning time with the children, especially as they become older, we will be sure to consider their needs and wishes.
• We will make the time with our children as pleasant as possible by showing our interest in their activities and avoiding questions regarding the activities of the other parent. Also, we will not make promises to them unless we know that we can keep them.
• Each parent will notify the other as soon as possible if he or she is unable to keep the agreed upon schedule, as failure to give notice is unfair to the other parent and the children.
• Neither parent will schedule activities which conflict with the other parents custody, however, if one parent has plans for the children that are conflicting, and these plans are in the best interests of the children, we will be adult, and arrive at an agreeable resolution.
• The parent with whom the children have' just been living will prepare the children both physically and emotionally for spending time with the other parent, and have them available at the time agreed upon.
• child should have in his or her mind an image of two good
• parents, and we will work toward that end. 
• Although there may be disagreements between us, we will not permit them to be inflicted upon our children. We acknowledge that we are both good people who are simply unable to live together. We believe that every 
• WE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT ANY DIFFERENCES WE HAVE IN OUR PARENTING TECHNIQUES AND ATTEMPT TO RECONCILE THOSE DIFFERENCES, AS WE WORK TOGETHER FOR THE BEST INTERESTS OF OUR CHILDREN.

Source

Note from Co-Parenting101.org: A co-parenting agreement should

not be confused with, and is not a substitute for a divorce settlement

agreement. A co-parenting agreement may be part of a couple's divorce

agreement (it may even be state-mandated, depending on where you get

divorced), or it may be agreed upon at any time after the divorce (or

other break-up) is finalized.

FIGHTING C.P.S. (CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES)

If you’ve just found out you’re being investigated by child protective services social workers, see What To Do If Child Protective Services Social Workers Are Investigating You and An Attorney’s Advice on Protecting Your Family by Gathering Data.

If you have any dealings at all with child protective services, see: Your Case Notebook: Is It Up To Date?

If you’re facing court dates and need to know how to put yourself in a better position when you get there, see Who Will Prepare Your Case? and the Legal Document Library.

If your child protective services caseworkers are asking you to do things that are not court ordered, or not following state social services regulations, or bending the laws, or not honoring Kinship Care rights, see: Filing for a State Administrative Hearing.

If you’re looking for an attorney, sign in here: Lawyer Requests. Also see our list of attorneys: Lawyers Who Take Child Protective Services Defense Cases.

NETWORKING – get support and information, give support to others needing relief from the Child Protective Services system insanity: go to the Fight CPS Message Board Forum.

OP: http://fightcps.com/2015/03/07/the-most-important-pages-on-this-site/

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